Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Doubts, Damn Doubts....

Some of the things we do at The New Seminary might be considered a bit "woo woo" for some people. Almost all of it is stuff I've done before, though not always in the same order or with quite the same goal in mind. I've learned a lot this year, about flexibility, about myself, about how to relate to others, and about being a good minister. There are many things I still struggle with, but I've made incredible progress, especially in my relationship with my mother, and with my daughter. I'm proud of the progress, but I'm tired on so many levels right now. And when I get tired, I begin to doubt...

Emotionally, I am feeling drained. Being sick for two weeks really put me behind in homework and I had to fight to get it all back on track. That took more toll on my emotions than anything else. I had to struggle to work through the psyche exercises, and I had to do them at a much faster pace than I wanted to. Still, I did it. There are issues at home, too, which are minor but still niggling at my soul.

Physically I'm finally fairly well mended. I'm not coughing much anymore, and my sinuses no longer ache. I'm able to walk up and down the stairs without puffing, and being around the furnace or dog no longer leaves me wheezing for breath. And yet... I'm physically wiped. I feel as if I've been running a marathon or something. I go to bed at a decent hour, wake up 7.5 to 8 hours later, and I still feel exhausted.

Mentally there are challenges. This is perhaps my biggest challenge. I am doubting myself.

This leads back to the "woo woo" comment earlier. We did an interesting but somewhat "woo woo" exercise for the last class, and the end result of that exercise was a conviction about what my path is.

I have not felt this strong a demand (it's not a pull, or a push... it feels like an issued proclamation: you WILL do this!) since I stumbled across Wicca at 17 years of age. I've always felt the gentle calls of my gods, and sometimes I ignore their calm ways and earn a spiritual 2 x 4 on my backside, but I've never had this kind of a feeling before.

I find I don't even want to put name to what that call is. I'm afraid it will look like I'm some sort of egoist, or that I'm just plain nuts. The whole thing just leaves me surprised and confused, because it's not like any of my previous calls, and at least until this year it didn't really fit my personality. Now... I'm not so sure.

Still, now I feel this urge to do this thing. I know I HAVE to. In my head, though, that small niggling voice (maybe my mother? maybe an ex? who knows...) constantly nags at me. You're not good enough. You're not strong enough. If family dynamics make you cry, what do you think is going to happen when you get out in the REAL world? Who do you think you are?! People are going to laugh at you! You'll never succeed.

I hate that voice. I know it is the voice of fear, in a way the voice of the cringing young girl who was abused one too many times. I don't have to be afraid of this stuff now, and even failing is fine, because it means I tried. I can learn from failure. I know all this. Still the dark voices claw at me.

Doubt. Worse than doubting someone else is doubting yourself.

All those "what if's" come falling down on me, like boxes piled precariously on a high closet shelf. What if I can't do the job? What if I'm just deluding myself and this isn't my path at all? What if I'm half way through it, and my resolve or my strength gives out and I can't go on? What if I hurt people by accident? What if? What if?

Damn doubts.
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