Friday, September 10, 2010

Weigh in and Poetry

Just a quick note on my weight this week. I lost 5 pounds! I was shocked and made her weight me in twice. I worked hard and I expended more calories than I took in. The proof is in the pudding (which I didn't eat, by the way). That part is getting better. The weight is moving in the right direction.

With that out of the way (weigh? heh), I bring you today's Big Tent Prompt: we were to rewrite some of our personal history. I've been going through a very heavy emotional time for the past few weeks, and this prompt made me shudder. I recoiled against it, but this morning I finally had the poem fall out of my head. It made a sort of soft, splatting sound when it hit the counter, so I decided to write it down quickly.

What If...

What if I had never met my guy?
What if our paths had never crossed,
And I had gone on living the way I was?
Where would I be today if I hadn’t left the
Abuse, the anger, the betrayal?
Would I have gained the strength to be
Who I am right now, right here?
Or would I have sunk beneath the pressure,
Relegated to an emotional black hole
That ate at me day after day until I simply
Ceased to exist?

What if I had never moved back home,
After leaving in disgust at all mother’s lies?
What if I had continued to live out there,
Welfare checks if necessary,
Until I found the inner strength to stand alone
And on my own?
Would I have reached the inner peace with mother,
This sense of harmony that gives me strength
To go on even when everything hurts my soul?

What if I had never had my daughter?
What if I had realized how her father was before
The commitment was made?
Would I have managed my life so differently
Without her tiny hands curling around mine
And making the world right?
Or would I instead of failed to learn about
Responsibility and parenthood and life,
And chosen to dance and play until winter arrived
And I starved in the cold?

What if doesn’t do much for me.
After all, I did.
No amount of “what if” statments
Will ever change the past.
I had my girl, and I love her.
I moved back home, and it led to love.
I met my guy, and we’ve been together a long time.
This is how it’s meant to be,
Pain and snot and tears all mixed in
With laughter and joy and babies that smell just right.

What if?
No.
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