Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Solstice and Dark Times

We all go through Dark Teatimes of the Soul. That's where I am now. I don't feel spiritually bereft, as I have in years past. I have the sense of my gods around me, although it isn't quite as personal as when I'm actively working with and for them. However, right now I'm trying desperately to take care of myself, to keep my mind and soul from shattering under the pressure. I think the idea is to end up with a diamond rather than sand, but I guess we'll see what happens.

Today, for the past several weeks in fact, "I feel . . . thin. Sort of stretched, like . . . butter scraped over too much bread." I don't like feeling this way. It causes me to retreat, to pull back from those around me as I try to marshal my strength. It makes me much less effective as a minister, or even as a student. It surely makes me less effective as a parent and spouse.

I'm struggling over the concept of "lying." To me, lying means:

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.

Makes sense to me. A statement that is false, presented as truth. Something meant to give a wrong impression. So... if someone says to me, "I do not like X; it makes me ill," and I act on that statement in good faith, it is (if I understand this definition correctly) a lie to later have them say, "I love X; I never want to be without it." Is that not a lie?

The mediator last night spent a LONG time explaining to me that having one person say two diametrically opposed statements is not a lie. It just means the person has changed their mind. She also said that my stating that I feel as if I've been lied to about X, and please explain which of the two viewpoints is the lie, is against our Ground Rules. I broke the ground rules because I put words into someone else's mouth by saying the above.

About that time I basically shut down. The mediator was not, I feel, listening to me. Other people were allowed to interrupt me (but I was not acknowledged when I held my hand up politely to comment when someone else was done). I was not included in all of the "go rounds" the circle to share. I gave up; what is the point of mediation if only one side is being given precedence? If only one side is really being heard?

I have to continue going to the mediation. I agreed to. At this point I feel it's not only a waste of time, but that it's a way for other people to railroad me into doing things their way. I feel put upon and pushed into a corner.

All this on the night of the full moon in total eclipse at Solstice. Whee.

I'm so tired. I'm sick, in heart and soul and body. My head hurts. I'm feeling... desperate. Longest Night is over... but my longest night is yet to come. When they try to take away my home, my land, my shrines, my spirit... That's still to come. Frankly, I don't want to be around to witness it.
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