Friday, January 14, 2011

Discerning the Self

Who am I?

I am many things to many people. I'm a minister and priestess. I'm a mother, lover, defender of justice, downtrodden female, rape victim, addictive personality, student, teacher, adult child, wise woman... It depends on who you ask, and when you ask, and how the responder feels when they're asked. Sometimes I'm classified as a saint, and others as a devil, and I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle, as is true of all things in life.

I am not that.

I am not a victim; I refuse to be. I am not a doormat. I am not a mindless, emotionless automaton. I am not worthless. I am not shiftless or lazy. I am not that.

I am that.

I am a survivor. I am a skilled lover. I am an emotional person who sometimes wears her heart on her sleeve. I am a mother, both biological and heart-felt. I am that.

I've talked about the wearing of masks before. Everyone has them; in our world it's unavoidable. Some we allow to slip when we feel it's become safer. For instance, our family doesn't pretend to be anything but what it is - a slightly off-norm family of three adults raising two beautiful children together in love. It sometimes gets us a bit of grief, but not often, and it's easy to dismiss. I love not having to wear that mask, hiding the part of me that loves both Gray and Sis. It makes me feel free, like a spirit outside of flesh. Yet I would not stand on the rooftop and yell that we have this strange-in-our-world relationship, anymore than I'd expect the couple down the street to stand out front of their home and shout out that they're straight and monogamous. Why would they?

There are other masks we have to wear, to protect people or to hold our inner self safe. Sometimes it's a matter of trust, and other times it's due to past hurts. I don't do the "mom thing" very often because of the difficulties I had/have with my own mother, and so it pleases me to be Mei Mei to the twins and only "mom" to my daughter.
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