Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Thinking

I've spent a lot of time thinking over the past couple of weeks. First, there was a two day car ride where I was jammed into the back of the van (don't get me wrong - I chose to be there... very comfy!), and then the time at Gray's parent's place (fun, but allowing lots of time for solitude), and the two day drive back. I've also been sick as anything with this upper respiratory/sinus infection, and so even being at home has been fairly sedentary and quiet. Thinking is good.

One of the things I've been thinking about is the quality of my relationships. My love for Gray has grown and changed over the past 9 years. It no longer has the spark and fizzle of a newly lit match; instead, it is more like the steady flame of a good quality candle trimmed just right. Our love doesn't burn the people around us anymore, and is a bit more sedate and sturdy. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I'm in a love that is destined to last. Yet, at the same time, I'm divorced from the outcome. I'm not worried about what will happen ten years from now. That's too far off. Right now is what concerns me, and right now I'm very deeply, firmly in love. And yes, the passion is still there, if toned down somewhat. Twins will do that to you!

My love for sis has also grown and changed. At first, I'll admit it was probably a lot more tolerance (okay, maybe even a lot LESS tolerance) than love, but we got through those early couple of years without too many emotional scars. Today, I feel a deep, abiding love for sis, both as the mother of our children and as my sister-in-family. She completes me in many ways, forces me to re-examine my beliefs and my ways of doing things. Personally, I think the two of us make a pretty good team to take care of Gray, as well. We compliment one another.

The closing down of my relationships with T&L has been stressful and upsetting, especially coming so out-of-the-blue as it did. For a couple of months there, I got caught in the, "what could I have done??" mind-set, which is not useful at all. Now, though I mourn the withdrawal of the camaraderie and love that was there, I respect that they need to move on. I can't change the past, nor can I change other people, and so I have begun to reach the stage of accepting and moving forward.

I have changed a lot in the past decade. I've matured, grown up if you will. Seminary is responsible for a lot of it, because it forced me to face many of my fears and phobias. Gray has helped a lot, too, by holding up the mirror for me to see my own actions and reactions. Everyone else has added to the changes, of course, but I think those are the two driving forces outside of myself. I feel more settled. For the first time, I feel content to stay in my home and not go wandering off for long periods of time. Better still, I feel I have a home, rather than a dwelling place where I stay. I've set down roots in this community that I have no interest in pulling up. It's different... it's nice.

I've embraced a love of Christianity along with my deep and abiding love of my gods. I see myself as a bridge between modern paganism and Christianity, with understanding and compassion on both sides. I've been a person who stirs things up for so many years that this sudden (or so it seems) peace keeping and peace making role is exciting, different, challenging on many levels. I'm enjoying it, immensely.

So... Goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. I'm moving on and moving up. I'm pleased with myself! Oh, and over the Christmas holidays (with rich foods and constant access to Bad Things 24/7 at the in-laws' home) I gained only 2 lbs. I consider that a big win!
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