Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Trust

There's a lot of stuff going on around me in regards to trust lately. A friend is having issues with her poly boyfriend. Another friend is having visits from the police who are looking for someone who doesn't live there. Then there's me. I'm suffering from a serious lack of trust in people outside my immediate family right now. Immediate family would be me, Gray, Sis, and the twins. Beyond that, there are a few friends that I trust pretty much fully, but not a lot. So much is going on that it's hard to extend trust.

What happens when trust is broken? For me, it means that you go down to the bottom of my "trust list" and I don't trust you again until you work your way out of that list. It's not easy. It can take years. It certainly takes a great amount of effort for someone to show me that their breach of my trust was a mistake that they've repaired. Reparation is not enough. Apology is not enough.

Lately, I've had a (now former) lover break my trust. His partner broke my trust just previous to that. This puts me in a terrible position. What I want is to turn away and have nothing to do with either of them again. Unfortunately, that isn't realistic right now. It takes time to disentangle, and much effort and tears. I'm dealing as best I can, but finding that being around either of them leaves me in a very deep emotional turmoil that just won't end.

I have friends who are urging me to "give 'em all I've got" in order to get out of my current position, but that isn't something I can do. A long time ago I decided that morals and ethics were very important to me, and I have to stick to them even in the face of nastiness from all around me. It's so important to me that I feel guilty if I have stray thoughts that are less than charitable, and dreams of being nasty in return leave me feeling cold and empty. It would be easy, yes... When someone hands you the gun, the ammo, and pains a target on themselves, it takes steady nerves to put it all down and walk away. I'm shaky, but I'm not aiming.

My life isn't about taking the easy route. It never has been. Part of that is because I dislike taking pot shots at people. Yes, I did it when I was younger, and I'm ashamed of those times. Today, I don't do that. Even when I want to. Even when it seems like the answer to everything.

Sigh.

Being ethical does not mean I have to be nice, though. I am polite, because that's the right thing to do. I can be angry and still wash the dishes and do my chores. I can be upset and hurting and still plow the driveway so people can get in and out safely. It is just a lot tougher emotionally.

I want out. I dream of a time when I can go to bed at bedtime and not be worried that I'll be awake for hours in the dark. I have fantasies about going down to the kitchen in the morning and finding it just the way I left it last night. I want to be in a place where I'm not afraid to watch the television in my living room. I want to be able to eat meals without my stomach churning with stress. Yes, I now want out.

In a way, that means "they won" and boy does that irk me. Still, it isn't worth twisting my own morals over. I do wish the "good guys" would win once in a while, though.
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