Friday, February 11, 2011

Seeds of Disillusionment

Review the major disappointments of your life. What did you want and not get? What was the gift in not getting it?

Major disappointments, eh? Working backward, I'd have to start with the ending of my current poly relationship. I wanted it to continue, and I wanted the other people involved to have the same strength of character and morals and ethics as I did. I'm not sure about the fit in not getting it; I'm still suffering with it and it might take time to figure that one out. Prior to that, I'd have to say losing custody of my daughter to my parents is the next major disappointment. I wanted her to be here with me, safe and loved and held, and instead she's with my parents and miserable and pretty sure no one loves her. While it's been incredibly rough being separated and not seeing her, it's also given me the time to become stronger, more able, more competent as a person and as a mother. I was a mess emotionally when I had her, and though I wish I could say I'd have done just fine raising her as a single mother, the truth is I would not have done well at all. I've reached a point now where I probably could, but the moment is gone. I've also gained self-respect.

What disillusionments have you experienced with people and with beliefs and ideas that you held? What is still "hot" and has emotional charge for you?

My biggest hot button is lying. I spent years not knowing whether I could believe anything my mother said, because she would change her mind and often not even remember her previous comments. I would be punished for such arcane actions as loading the spoons into the dishwasher incorrectly, punishments that would last weeks. This has led to me being a very blunt person, dispensing the truth almost as an instrument of pain at times.

I expect people to be generally truthful. I don't mean about birthday presents and such, but when you ask someone about finances or whether they love you or if they really want to have kids, you should be able to trust the answer. What I discovered is that people tell untruths a lot of the time, even on the important things which should basically demand truthfulness. That scares me!

Right now, I'm going through mediation with my poly divorce situation, and have been told quite bluntly that because I intimidate and frighten some of the people involved (?!?), they reserve the right to tell me whatever's on the top of their mind in an attempt to get rid of me, and that I have to take what they say in good faith even though they've said they'll lie outright to get me to go away. See, I have massive problems with that. Not only do I feel I have reason to doubt the truthfulness of their statements, they've confirmed that the doubt is reasonable, to my face, in front of mediators. And yet I'm still expected to act as if they are acting in good faith. I'm also being told that I'm not trustworthy, but when I ask for reasons why they feel that way, they can't come up with anything. It's just a feeling. My proof is trumped by their feeling, per the mediators. Oy.

When did you doubt that God/Goddess was present? In your personal life? In wars, natural disasters, and other large-scale events?

I have never, to my knowledge, doubted the existence of the gods. There have certainly been times when I have felt that the gods were not present with me, personally. When I was pregnant, my ability to feel anything magickal or spiritual was largely diminished. I felt abandoned for a while, but at no point did my belief and faith in the gods disappear. It was only my awareness of their personal attendance that waned.

I don't see natural disasters and such as being the result of actions (or inactions) by the gods. Human beings existing explains most of those things, and it seems to me that the gods are as frustrated and upset about them as the rest of us. As Death says to the Goddess in the myth of the Descent of the Goddess (Wiccan), "It is not I who causes all things to wither and die; it is time and fate, which I am helpless against." The gods are as chained to natural rhythms as we are, at least in my personal observations.
Post a Comment