Friday, February 11, 2011
When I was a child, I had childish dreams, as the saying goes. I dreamed of normal things, like being a fireman or a doctor or a singer. I also had dreams which now seem so sad, dreams that I had a REAL mother out there somewhere who really loved me but had given me up because the pitiful woman pretending to be my mother was so poor of heart that she couldn't have her own child. I dreamed that she was out there, and that some day I would find her, that wonderful, amazing woman who had given birth to me.
As a teenager, most of my dreams had to do with escape, getting away from the situation I had grown up in. The world is tough enough for teens, but having to live through my mother's intermittent drinking and insanities made it exponentially worse. When other teens were buying jeans and records, I spent my money on dishes and things for the house I would have the minute I was old enough to get a job and get away.
When I became a young adult and moved far, far away from my parents, I discovered new dreams. I dreamed of the gods, of my priestesshood, of the joy of exploration and freedom. I dreamed of unconditional love, and found it in a wonderful man named Davydd. I dreamed I could do anything I wanted, and I did.
Now my dreams are simpler. I'm sure that's because I'm not 20 years old anymore. Being 40 certainly gives you perspective, if nothing else. I dream of a home that is peaceful and joyous. I dream of having my daughter with me. I dream of the twins growing up to become successful at whatever they choose to do. I dream of growing old with Gray and Sis, in a life that is both exciting and sometimes boringly normal.
From what persons or circumstances did you learn to doubt? To be cynical?
That would be my mother... Just living with her is enough to make a saint cynical, and to doubt that there is a Divinity out there. Because she was unable to tell me the truth about things, I learned to doubt very early. I doubted anything she told me, because it was probably wrong. That's another one of those sad things.
Are you building in faith now or waiting for evidence?
I'm building in faith on a daily basis! My life now is very faith based. This doesn't mean I ignore science and rational thought, but faith is another side to that coin. When everything eludes understanding through "normal means" I can turn to my faith for strength and knowledge. It's a very peaceful thing. Mind you, I'm willing to accept evidence as it presents itself!
Do you trust your own guidance? How do you recognize that your faith is in operation?
I think it's important to question our guidance, especially from spiritual and faith means. It isn't that I don't believe such guidance can be good, however I do think it's important to always question so that we don't become complacent and start saying that every urge or whim is "faith based guidance." That's a slippery slope that leads to ruin, and so we must always be vigilant to see we don't start down it. I question everything; it's my nature. There are times when it's appropriate and right to accept things on faith, but not without personal questioning.
How do I know my faith is in operation? I am breathing... I think that covers it. How important it is for faith to be in operation almost all of the time. It's what keeps us going, keeps our chins up during the rough times. It's what fuels our challenge to things that need to change (civil rights movement, anyone?) as well as the joy of celebrating that something is going just fine.