Wednesday, February 9, 2011
An interesting question. My earliest memory of "Divinity" was of calling out in the late night because I needed a mother. My biological mother didn't answer such calls, and I had spent many nights alone in the darkness, scared or sobbing. I called out one night and then I felt the largest, most encompassing arms cradling me as if I were an infant. I will always remember that moment, of settling to sleep in the arms of someone who had infinite and unconditional love for me. I didn't see her face, but she was quite female, and she wore dark robes, perhaps a dark blue. I remember they were soft. I think I was perhaps 7 or 8 years old at the time. That moment of comfort meant everything to me, and I just knew that it was God who held me. I was actually kind of startled to find out that "the rest of the world" saw God as male, a few years later. I had a hard time internalizing that idea.
What did I dream of when I was younger? I dreamed of teaching, of serving in some capacity. Certainly as a young child I had the normal career desires: fireman, librarian, astronaut, that type of thing. By the time I was 10 or 12, certainly long before I entered high school, I had desired a career that was language based. I wanted to write, to create, to inform, to teach. Throughout my life, that has been a theme, and it is one I still pursue. If Goddess still dreams of me, and I do believe she does, then I believe I am living that dream now. The rough stuff going on in my life is periphery. It's the usual chaff blown away by the winds of initiation and change. I dislike it, and it certainly challenges me, but it in no way makes me want to change my course.
What did you want before you were taught you should want something else? What if that earlier desire is what God/Goddess wanted for you?
I think I largely answered this above. Once I got past the childish desires (astronaut et al) and began to think about what I really wanted to do with myself, I knew that it needed to be related to writing and/or teaching. Despite working my way through a variety of unfulfilling job choices, I always seem to come back to writing and ministry. I do believe this is what the gods want of me. Sometimes my view of the end is clearer than others, but I do my best to keep focused on that.
What really brings you rushes of enthusiasm? What if that is God/Goddess inspiring you?
When I get up and preach, when I teach at church or in Circle or at seminary, these are the things which bring me that rush that tells me I'm doing it right. It isn't an ego rush, although I've had those too (who doesn't like to hear their sermon inspired people, after all?); there's something completely outside of ego that fills me when I manage to pull off a good sermon or teach a new skill to those who want to learn. I fought the idea of ministry for a very long time, because pagans don't have ministers really, and I didn't want to be a Christian minister. Therefore it seemed obvious to me that the ministry calling was just something silly I'd made up. Now, I see a bit more clearly that this is, indeed, what I am supposed to be doing. I don't have to give up my pagan background, but I can also add to that with an understanding of the other religions and belief systems out there. I can work at being the bridge between religions. I can teach people not to fear one another. This is what I feel the gods are inspiring me to do. I believe they've been pushing me this way for a long, long time.